DVD Critics Corner Presents: The 2013 Summer Movie Wrap-up Thing!

Hello blog readers. It’s Tom, your DVD Critics Corner pal. I hope you are well. How about that sports team that played that game the other day? Quite exciting, huh?

Anyhoo, in the part of the United States I live in, Fall has arrived. The kids are back at school, the wheat has been harvested, and the stores are decorated for Christmas.

The summer of 2013 was truly a magical time at the movies. There were Supermen, Lone Rangers, Wolverines, and whatever Matt Damon was in Elysium. We laughed, we cired, we grew to hate Jaden Smith. Let’s take a look back on the summer movie season that was!

Oh, despite what you may have heard about me being a dashing shut-in who only watches movies in DVD form, I managed to make it over to the multiplex to check out a few of the big summer blockbusters. I got my own box of Raisinets too!

Back to taking a look at the summer movie season that was!

AFTER EARTH

Synopsis: Father and son space explorers crash land on earth thousands of years after humanity gets kicked out for not paying rent or something.

What Everyone Said: STOP MAKING US LIKE YOUR CHILDREN, WILL SMITH!!!

What Tom Says: I didn’t see it, and apparently neither did the rest of the world.

IRON MAN 3

Synopsis: HE. IS. IRON MAN. AGAIN!!!

What Everyone Said: Where are the rest of The Avengers?

What Tom Says: This movie kicked so much ass! We’re talking like a million asses! I counted! I had lots of free time this summer.

WORLD WAR Z

Synopsis: Dead men walking. And running.

What Everyone Said: Yay zombies!

What Tom Says: Didn’t see it, but I hear it was nothing like the book. Yes, I read the book. Tom read good!

STAR TREK: INTO DARKNESS

Synopsis: The crew of the Enterprise meet a guy who does a horrible Ricardo Montalban impression.

What Everyone Said:  Four years is too long to wait for a sequel.

What Tom Says: Four years is not too long to wait for a sequel if the movie is outstanding, you ungrateful fanboy losers!

What Tom Is Trying To Say: Into Darkness was awesome.

THE LONE RANGER

Synopsis: Hi Ho Silver! Hello? Is anyone watching this?

What Everyone Said: Who’s The Lone Ranger?

What Tom Says:  I hear if you mention this movie while in a Walt Disney theme park or resort, a goon squad appears out of nowhere and beats you senseless with socks full of quarters. Consider yourself warned. Oh, and I didn’t see this one.

MAN OF STEEL

Synopsis: Superman returns, this time in a good movie!

What Everyone Said: Wow, Superman really likes breaking stuff.

What Tom Says: Finally! A Lois Lane who can see through Clark Kent’s foolproof disguise – a pair of eyeglasses!

R.I.P.D. 

Synopsis: Ryan Reynolds continues to destroy his career in another special effects laden mess.

What Everyone Said: Comments unavailable since nobody saw this movie.

What Tom Says: I didn’t see this movie. Oh wait yes I did, when it was called Men In Black! 

DESPICABLE ME 2

Synopsis: Reformed supervillain Gru and his minions return for another adventure!

What Everyone Said: So, are the minions humans, clones, or horribly deformed mutants?  All three? That’s messed up.

What Tom Says: Okay, I only saw this dumb kiddie movie because my 10 year old niece dragged me to see it. I lied. I dragged her to see it because I loved the first movie! Gru rules! I cannot wait for another sequel. In fact, I sent Steve Carell a 3,000 page treatment containing my ideas for six more Despicable Me movies!  I framed the restraining order his lawyers sent me.

AND THE REST

THE WOLVERINE – Didn’t see it.

ELYSIUM -Maaaatt Daaaamon.  Didn’t see it.

PACIFIC RIM – Didn’t see it.

FAST & FURIOUS 6 – Holy %$#!, there’s six of them?

WE’RE THE MILLERS – HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! No seriously, we’re done now.